CHRISTMAS IS HERE AGAIN

Christmas is here again
All I can do is remember the pain
Now is suppose to be
A time when we all love each other
But no one loves me
This year even more
All I want to do is lock my door
And hide until its over
When ever I see
Those happy trees
All I know is
Im all alone
Sittin around
Waitin for a call on the phone
Check the mail everyday
Maybe someone sent me a card
Deep down inside
I always know no one will

CAN'T

I feel
So alone
I always have Never been cared for bye anyone
I tried
To escape from the pain
That built up over these years
I can barley stay sane
If I
Took my life tonight
Would anyone care?
Would it be all right?
If I did
Would I give up my try?
A shot I never had
If I chose to die
If I chose
To carry on one more day
Would anything change?
Or would it all remain the same
No one ever
Tried to stop me
Help me in my struggle
If only someone could see
The pain
I carry with me
Every day I live
If only it could release me
I dont see
Why I deserve this
I never did anything
To deserve this
If I
Took my life tonight
Would anyone notice?
Would it be all right?
If my
Life ended right now
Would anything change?
Would there grief show?
If I
Stayed one more night
Would anyone notice?
Would it be right?
To live
With the pain in me
Would anyone care?
Or would I have to plea
For anyone
To notice that I carried on
Would the moon go down?
Followed by the forth coming sun
Would anyone care?
If I took my life tonight
If held on one more day
Would it even matter?
Either way

FALLEN

light shatters the dark
night gives way to dawn
along with the angel that falls
brings nothing but love
for those who take it away
as it falls
i feel that light betrey me
that the darkness returns
with vengence that killed it off
the wind blows through me
passes with out feeling
without an emotion
its hardly there
is this what its like when an angel falls

TODAY

today seemed dark
darker the the day before
walking about lonely and confused
until the day woke
morning broke
when that light came up
i felt something more
then i have before
the light encloses me
releases me from that pain
that followed me around
stoped me at every turn
now the day seems lighter
brither then yesterday
it will only grow stronger over time
only until tomorrow when its even
brighter then today

KARMA

every waking hour
every sleepless night
goes by without my control
iv lost lost nothing
gaind only pain
living day to day
isnt living at all
every day that passes things grow
in my head
every day that passes things grow
harder to bear
the guilt from having guilt
nothing seems right
as right as it once did
every night
every day
i regret
things iv never done
till the day this pain goes away
ill be awaiting that day
nothing here belongs
misplaced artifacts
if every thing happens for a reason
if this is my fate
what did i do
what makes me more deserving
of this pain then the evil beings
i see every day
they cut down trees
kill off entire species
they beat there wives
there drunk when they drive
hurt each other
leave scars that arnt apernt
what makes me more wrong then them
every night
every day
i regret
things iv never done
till the day this pain goes away
ill be standing here
every time i see
those happy faces
i want to bash them in
make them regret
the way i regret
hurt forgotten
citys uncovered
individules enslaved
by fat cats
that run the countries
and they dont get shit
karma never comes for them
what makes me more evil then them

WORDS

never say how i feel
hid it away
for this someday ill pay
for not saying those things
i needed to say to you
words in my head
lead me down
i want to see you everyday
if i could
the voices in my head
say i should tell you how i feel
hiding behind groups and never truly being any where near you
the voices in my head pull me down
tonight i tell myself what i need to do and say
to make things change
i never have the nerve
everything will always be like this
the voices in my head wont let me do what i need to do
i'll sleep tonight when and if i wake
things will be the same
im scared stiff that i might lose soemthing that was never mine
and all i can think is what i can see never will happen
and dream of the day i can say these words to you

THIS OPTIMISTIC FEELING

i feel something strange
something that feels so new
its this feeling
its an optimistic one
that things might change in a the near future
that we might relize the errors of our ways
and we might change them for the better
its this optimistic feeling i feel now that i never felt before
that all the living creatures can live in harmony
and carry on living as long a seen fit
this thing i feel isnt anything without you or me
we arnt shit with out tomorrow
with that we woudnt know who done it
hiding away isnt the answer its only an excuse to escape from tomorrow
that decide every move we make
this optimistic feeling i feel
is something that helps me carry on
that things might change
or is it just me

MODERN MAN

modern man
blame what we call
lower life forms
we took this world
from the ones who where
here and rightly belonged
we call our selves
the one and only
we have no right
to take what is not ours
we justify our sin
by killing in the name
of your god
never have i understood
how im so wrong and your so right
how saying shit like this
helps you sleep at night
causing nothig but grief and death
to all other life on this rock
we dwell guilt free for what
weve done
i see no right way in this game
everything weve done is wrong
i see no way out
it makes me so angry
it makes me wanna shout
at the top of my lungs
there are some who think they see throgh
the wrong weve caused
there ideals are blured
they take the path they feel true
but is it the right path for you
you willl know where we go
by th trail of the dead
the empty bodies that are left behind
from slaughter and rape
of what was never ours
justify your wrongs
with a fictinal god
that only exists the dreams
of children at night
that can not sleep
i see no right way in this game
we play every day
every time you take another life
you kill part of your self
i see no glory in this
i see not what is so great
i see only corruption caused by
modern man

BLIND FAITH

ashes to ashes
dust to dust
nothing is safe
when everything is corrupted by rust
follow the same path
that killed there acestors
never learned
what was taught
knowing only what is not there
that was takin away
and will stay that way
they never asked why
or for it to be that way
its just what happens when
you have faith

THE ONLY ONE

does it matter
does tomorrow mean anything
does it bring anything
other then malice and hate
should i try
should i care
should i share
what i feel everyday
why does everyone see throuh me
why dont i matter
why is everyone elese
so god damn important
am i someone that shoudnt be
am i some kind of mistake
am i the only one
who feels the way i feel
i am so bored
i am so sick
i am so tired
of hearing other peoples lifes
like i dont have one
like what i feel isnt important
like i dont have emotions
like the rest of these people
i see everyday
i spend all my time with them
i dont see this changeing anytime soon
or am i the only one who feels left out
the only one who dosent matter
the only one who is still alone
am i the only one
or are you just like me

FAKE SMILES, FALSE EMOTIONS

someday
things might change
i hope for that day everynight
i cant see any change
i try hard to make one
but its just so hard
i try everyday
it grows harder everyday that passes without it
i see those smiling faces on the street
and with my friends
i wish i could smile like they do
its just iv never really had a real reason
to be happy like that
there just dosnt seem to be any hope for me
im so diffrent
do i not deserve that
is it just not my fate
to not have to fake a smile
to not hide behinde this false image
everynight ill hope for change
and everyday ill know it wont come

WRONG IDEAS

im not a bad person
iv just got the wrong idea
when it comes you
i thought you might be into guys like me
i thought you might go for a nice guy
that was really into you
but im just some loser
that thought that you could possibley like me
i guess i was just completely wrong
when your away all think about is you
and how i just want to be with you
just want to be with you here me
somewhere colse to me
somewhere where we could be together
and stay with each other forever
every second of every day
i would be with you
i wish i could see you everyday
and always hear those words you say
id listen to every word
and only talk when its my turn
i would take all time there is to learn
about who you are and what you like
id spen all my time with you
or as mutch as you would want me to
i would mean everything id say
unlike those other guys
who lie to you every chance they get
id treat you they way you deserve to be treated
you would be my best friend and id do anything
for you

PAIN UNSAID

when im alone
where ever i am
my thoughts drift you
i know i seem a little obsesive
but this is all i can do
to make me feel like
i have some connection with you
i know were friends
but i cant seem to do that
all i want to do be something more
spend more time with you
i wish i could be with you
it hurts me when i see you
when im out
when im writing these songs
all i ever do
is think about you
when ever i listen
to those songs i like
i cant help but relate
it to what i feel for you
im still counting the days
do your feet hurt
cuz youv been running
through my mind all day
and i know for fact
you where indeed
ment for me
and i was ment for you
i wish i could be with you
it hurts me when i see you
iv lost all the feelings
i had when i was younger
theve been over takin by the pain
of not being able to tell you
what i feel when i see you smile
and i just wish i had someone to tell
right now
so i could be comforted
and mabye they could understand
what i go through everyday
that passes and im still alone
nothing i do ever seems to make things go right
until i can say something to you
ill right you these songs
and you wont know there for you
until that day comes
when i can play them for you
and you finaly understand what
iv been going through
and all this pain recedes
and i can spend all my time with you

FEBUARY 19TH

dreams became reality
i fell into fantasy
i never thought possible
the past is just that
tomorow never seemed so bright
fantasy is all i want to be
if this is a dream
i dont want to come to
lifeless mess is what i once was
iv come to live life in a way i never thought possible
if tommorow never came
i wondent hurt a bit
i could live off this moment for ever
i dreamnt of this moment for ever
i wrote every word
wrote every word for this day
the day that life would change
i dont ever want to feel the way i did
ever again
never willt his feeling change
i thank you for this
the day it all changed
will always there
the storys that have been told
did no justice
for what i feel now
iv come to live life in a way i never thought possible
fantasy is all i need
things changed so fast i dont know what to say
things will never be the same again
and thats a change i can handle

MAYBE

nothing happins the way
its seems it should the day before
get your hopes up to high
then they crash from the sky
and you go home
think of what you did wrong
and you cry to yourself
and you wanna die
time makes it feel better
heals wounds
we'll get older
before it gets better
iv felt pain before
but nothing like this
dissapointment
self-inflicted
at home
nervouse and weiried
curled in the corner
taering the flesh
that should have healed
long ago
punching holes in the wall
wishing it was my head
time makes it feel better
heals wounds
we'll get older
before it gets better
nothing today
seems right
things should have been diffrent
why coudnt i do it
the things i said i would
is there something wrong with me
why cant i keep promises to myself
maybe tomorow
maybe ill do it then
maybe tomorow
maybe then ill have a spine
maybe i wont back out
maybe then
maybe then i can say what i need to say

EXTRAS

Burn away
What overlaps
It is only excess
What is found
Is only what is left behind
Those things we hold so dear
Never really mattered
Tare off the end
It is only wasting time
Why stick around
When you know how its going to end
Left behind
What was excess
Why does it matter
If I choose to cut away
Does anyone truly care
What happens to the extras
In the movie they enact everyday
When youre an extra in your own story
Does that mean you have a problem
Are the smallest parts the most important in the end
Or is this just what they teach us
To make everyone feel equal
In the end does it really matter
What I think
What I feel
Does anyone ever really care
About there allies
Or are they just protecting the extras
That just happen to be expendable

LINES OF COMMUNICATION

In the darkness
Theres no protection
No room for communication
Its been a whole week
Since we said any words
Like the disconnected cords
Its been so long
Im not sure how it started in the first place
I dream every night your away of your face
I just wish you where
Right here with me
The anger that was there
When it was just you and me
I still remember the good things
That made me happy
The little tiny things
That let me feel something then dead
No matter what I say anymore
Youre still a long ways away
All I feel now is sore
Im not sure I havent left and why I stay
In the hate you seem to feel for me
Is all you seem to know
The rust that grew between us is all you see
I wish what I feel would show
Until the day you return
I think of your face every day
Hoping every day I dont burn
Remembering those words you say

SOMETHING LIKE THIS

Something like this
It seemed wrong
It hurt so bad
I wasnt so strong
All it did was make me sad
So all I can do
Is write the words
And hope you know there for you
Words written down
Like poems or letters
Never sent
Never said
Things like that always
Get to me
I could never
Quit handle
Feelings like that
Maybe if try
If I wish for it enough
Youll ask me about it
Words written down
Like poems or letters
Never sent
Never said
Iv tried so hard
Iv felt so bad
I feel it everyday
Sometimes this feeling
It hurts so bad
Sometimes I just want to end it all
That I could just take this life and end it

EPITAPH

When you left
I hoped everyday
It was only a dream
I thought I saw you
Everyday
It was only a picture
I keep with me
So I wont forget
The good times
I even cherish
The worst of times
It all was so important
To what I have become today
The weakness
The strengths
The things that made you what you were
If I ever saw you again
I wouldnt know what to say
All I could would have to be
Back so soon
Your memory is the brightness
That dwells in the back of my mind
Nothing like the time we spent
Was happier in my life
And those times
Will never leave my mind
And I hope wherever you are
You remember me
Ill always remember what we had
How you always helped me
When I needed advice
When I needed help
Or I just needed to talk
You would listen
And I miss that now
I wish you where still here
When I need you the most
When times get tough
I know youre always here
Where ever I am
I still wish I could talk to you
Now most of all
More then ever
I wish you were here
Most off all
I miss you and always will remember you

COMMONPLACE

T.V. lies
Hopes still alive
They still strive
To survive
Left alone
Gone to drown
When I'm alone
Youre all thats here
Going away
Lost to stay
Some people seem to die
Others are just to shy

AWAY

If you were gone
If you left now
If I never saw you again
If I never talked to you again
If I never was able to tell you what I feel
If you left before I told you
If youre right
If I'm wrong
Without light
We can still be strong
If youre wrong
If Im right
You should stay longer
Sometimes the world is still bright

THINGS

Lost in myself
No place left to hide
From that pain
Calling out to my friends
They still dont hear me
Iv seen better days
Then this one
You dont know me
You cant hear me when I scream
Some things go without saying
Sometimes I wish everything was like that
I wish everyone could read my mind
So I didnt have to try and say
The things I feel
Iv seen better days then this one
You dont know me
You cant see me when I cry
Things people say
Sometimes dosnt seem real
Sometimes the world in my head seems more believeble
Where relationshopes are real
And we all are still important
Why cant the real world be like that
Why can't my dreams be true
Iv seen better days then this one
You dont know me
You still dont hear me scream
You still dont see me cry

EVERYTHING

How do you feel when youre all alone?
I wish I could be there with you
Help you feel not so alone
Like you belong
Let you know that I care for you
Youre all I can thing about anymore
Youre my entire world
Even though you just dont know
I wish I were able to tell you
I wish I could just say those simple words
That are stuck in my head
That are on the tip of my tongue
Every day it seems closer
And harder at the same time
This feeling is all I feel Anymore
Its all I know all I can think about
All I can write about
It's everything to me

LIVING INSIDE LONLINESS

Living alone
Isnt anyway of living at all
Day after day
I see no way to stop
Repetition
Its like salt
Over your shoulder
Its only a
Superstition
Everyday I'm alive
Is just another day I didnt die
Its just a chore to stay
Alive
Id like to see you today
It makes me feel safe
Its like a reason I have to
Survive
Its like the day
Its just the night
With more sun and more
Pain
Its a struggle now
Its hard to stay in control
Its hard enough just to stay
Sane
Id like to come over
Id like to talk to you talking right now is
Enough
Its all I want is to be with you
To stand at your side
Telling you that is just to
Rough
Id like to stand at your side
To be the one you care for
The one you
Care for
The one you look to
In times of need
Youre the only one I
Care for

THIS LIE

All I do
Is tell my self this lie
The only sound
I make is sigh
The self-inflicted pain
Helps me to carry on
Someone that you hate
I am the forgotten son
Music to kill yourself by
Is all I write anymore
Does that mean
That I want to die
The sun wont
Come up tomorrow
Its been swallowed
Up by sorrow
I come and
Spread my wings
When I
Start to sing
Its all that saves me
Its what brings
Me down
From the place I hide
Its what keeps me alive

TO SEE YOU

It felt so real
So tangible
It seemed so close
I could almost taste it
It almost made me die
All I did was cry
It helped ease the pain
The hurt subsided
I felt you so close
I could almost see in your eyes
At night
I can still hear you breath
Hear you talk
The words you say
The things you feel
Affect me
Hurt me
Turn my insides outside in
It felt so real
Almost sensory
It seemed like you where
Here with me
Although you werent

ALL I HAVE TO OFFER

It isnt much
But Ill try
To write a song for you
About all the things you have to offer
And how I dont deserve you
I know you probably would say no
If I asked you out
Im not your type
Were just friends
And sometimes I think thats all we will ever be
Even though Id do anything to be more
Its all I think about anymore
Nothing I know anymore is for sure
Its all a big chaotic mess
Its all in my head
Spills out all over the paper
Its all I feel anymore

A SHOT

Iv gone this far
I doubt what I feel
I try hard
I still dont feel its worth all this
Should I take a chance
Would I lose my shot
Should I stay without a reason
Iv searched a long time
Its so hard to find
A reason to hold on
A little longer
I just need a reason
Should I take a chance
Would I lose my shot
Should I stay without a reason
I thought I had found a way
Found a reason to stay
I hoped it was there
Without it I cant bare this
Should I take a chance
Would I lose my shot
Should I stay without a reason

CHOKE

Youre who you are
Not anyone else
Try as they may
They cant change you
Were all our own Your who you are
Not anyone else
Try as they may
They cant change you
We are all our own person
No one but us
Anyone who tries to change you
Can choke
On the words they say
Nothing has changed
People try to control you
Try to change who you are
Take others for their slaves
Feeling nothing for you
And only for them selves
You can live life on your own
Why relay on others
When others only try to change you

MARCH 31

Stranded
Drowning
In this sea
Of memories
Of how we used to be
When you cared
When we shared
With each other
Hiding from each other
So we were alone
But thats all gone now
Im sorry for what I did
When it mattered what I did
There was the things I said
And the things I didnt say
That I should have
I know that now
I know that today
Though today is to late

GONE

There is a darkness inside
That scrapes and pulls
At what I try to hide
The feeling has been buried too long
It holds me back, changes what I say
I could change it all but Im not that strong
A strong wind blows
Uproots lost memories
Opens wounds never shown
It has power over everything
I say or do, it changes feelings
The open wound stings
The past was always just a dream
The way things go now I wish it was
It tears at the seems
Pulls me apart
Takes any hope I ever had
It burned from the start
If the time came
To end what I was
They would all feel the same
Let there ears ring
That there flesh burn
Let there wounds sting
Let their feelings kill them
Every night let them regret
What they feel and what hurts them
The cliff at my feet
Thinking back to what I use to be
Writing on the empty sheet
Tomorrow ill be gone
Youll still be here
And you carry on

DAY GLOW

Time flies bye
Like the oncoming train
Things seem they have changed
But everything has stayed the same
I have lost touch with reality
It seems so far away
The things that stay
Is sometimes the hardest to say
The times that stand out
Are the worst of the times
They seem day glow
They seem like there not even there
I cant blame others anymore
For the wrongs Ive caused
Coming to terms with myself
Was all I could do for the longest time
I am leaving
Its all just believing
That someday
We could almost be truly alive

LIKE BEING HAPPY

Lost in a place
Iv been my whole life
Seems different to me
I still dont like my skin
It feels wrong
Like I should be someone else
It wasnt right from the start
Id like to be happy
Thats just not something I can do
It seemed too hard to be
It just didnt seem worth being
What I am
It just doesnt come easy
Things that change
Always seemed static
It seems like I'm the only one
Who cant seem to feel right
The things I say dont seem like there right
Everyone else seems better then me
Like I just dont belong here
Like I should just leave
Like no one cares
Like Im better off dead
The happy things
Dont seem right anymore
The things I write
Dont seem to come as easy
As they used to
Maybe the art inside is gone
Maybe my dream was only that
Maybe I should give up
Maybe its better off that way
I just wanted to belong
Things I say dont matter like I wish they did
The things that seem static
Are the things that change
Nothing comes easy
When all you do is stay to the side
When the ways we are
Are the ways we use to be
Then maybe well be gone
Maybe then well belong

THE LAST SHOW

The things they through
The words I knew
Werent enough to hold me down
The things I feel
The things I never steal
Are enough to keep me up
Before we all go down
Its just one more hit before we go home
Before all there is comes down in flames
Lets stay like this forever
The last time this happened
They thought it was the last
It never crossed there heads
That we have more inside then you can see
Theres nothing left to be
Nothing left to see
Harmonies been made
So lets leave it at that
Let this all go back

3 DAYS

Things dont change that fast
This shouldnt happen
I waited three days
Dont think I can wait three more
Ive been sleeping on the floor
Seems like all that matters anymore
I dont really know why
I just want to go out side
Its a beautiful day
And Im stuck inside all alone
Nothings holding me back
Nothings keeping me here
Its just the things I say
The things I tell my self
Whats holding me down
Whats holding me back
Its really nothing
I feel sick inside
I must be the one who died
Ill suppress the feeling
That comes at the end
Ill try not to talk so fast
When I say the things that matter
Things just keep getting sadder
Left here all alone

FALL

The only one who would try to control you
Are fools and thieves
They all fall away
Like autumn leaves
The sound they make as they walk away
Is the sound of living without reason
All change is in fall
Fall only comes in changing seasons
The things they say and do
Are product or corruption
The rage that builds up
Is released like volcano eruption
The friends that leave
Are the friends that stay forever
Broken strings and lost souls
Are present from dusk till dawn
Is nothing safe from pain
Or is that just the picture Ive drawn
The seasons change
From one to all
The time that is wasted
Is reclaimed in fall

CAFFINE & SLEEPING PILLS

It all goes with your lies
Is it your afraid
Is it your just not what you say you are
Its all in your head
Its all the same as before
And this is the last time
I ever show you whats
Inside me
Iv traveled this far
Is there anything left to say
Is there another way around it
Or is this the life were condemned to
This is all a fairy tale
Hidden beneath the sheets at night
Its all just too much to take on
The lies that come and go
They stay in my head
Condemned to a life of mediocrity
Caffeine and sleeping pills
Are my two best friends
I hope the race ends sooner
Then I do

My Heart Fell Out My Backpack As I Stepped Out Of A Taxi
By: Starlacedgirl & Doug

I remember that night
When you got wasted
And I know the guy
Who you took home
And I could feel the thoughts
That were lingering deep inside you're head
Because youre so very special
Whether you want to see it or not
And youre different from everyone else
In that way no one sees or appreciates
You only listen to those songs
That bring me down and make everything worthwhile
And when you're happy, you're hammered
And when you're happy, you forget their names
And when you're happy, you remember those who love you
You don't seem like a happy person though
Though youre in control when it doesnt seem that way
And I'm sorry I didn't say hi to you sooner
And I'm sorry for everything I did to make you mad
Theres just something about you
That makes you worth knowing

this poem is all about megan and she rules and michael is her boo

FALLS APART

Everything falls apart
Breaks apart
Solidification wasnt an option
It was so long ago
I felt whole
I remember a time I was happy
I remember when I enjoyed life
When it all seemed like there was only a silver lining
The dark cloud has taken over
Emotions break so easily
The falling is deafening
It hurts so bad to fall to the ground
It feels so bad to not be able to pull your self together long enough
To let anyone know how you feel
It hurts so bad
I feel guilty when I have nothing to say
I cant blame anyone but myself
For what Ive become
I wish I could have been better
I wish I was a better person
I wish I could go a day without that feeling
I wish I could sleep at night without feeding that addiction
I wish I could live a day without wanting not live the next
I wish I could feel whole again
I wish I had something to say

NEIL YOUNG

Its the fade out that hurts the most
I just want to burn out
Let this world swallow me whole
Is it worth that much
To feel like I belong
Is it worth my life
To know I have a friend
In the end
Things will get worse
Before they get better
Last time I felt happy
I didnt know how much it really mattered
Im not sure what I am any more
I feel dazed and so far gone
I dont see anything at all
I feel like such a malevolent creature
Why am I the only one that knows Im fucked up
Why cant I feel anything anymore
Why cant this pain just go away
Why is all I feel is hurt
Why cant I burn up
And leave this world behind
Let it fall to the ground
Have the whole world feel what I feel
I wish there was a reason for what I felt
It all just stays
I feel like a host for an undying parasite
It all just fucks with my head
It just makes me want to feel dead
Time froze as I watched the sun set
I saw time move when the leaves
Fell from autumn trees
If I knew a what I felt then
I might know what I feel now
Now all the good things dont seem real anymore
Inside my head Im safe
Inside my mind everything is real
And its all mine
That is where I belong
Where no one can get to me
Where all I feel is what I want
Where I feel happy again
When I have something worth feeling
Is when Ill finely belong

LAST SIGH OF WINTER

Staring at the sun
Nothing is real
With light in your eyes
All you want is the moon over your head
When darkness is all there is
You hope for the sun to come back
Ten minuets seems like forever
Like a rainy afternoon
When all you want to do is be outside
When you have something special
It doesnt hurt until its gone
Ambient sounds in your head
Soothing in the night
Your eyes burn
In light
Your head pounds
In the dark
The last sounds that you heard
Was the sun crashing on the distant plain
The next thing you know
The darkness is all you see
You regret taking light for granted
Now that its gone

HEMOPHILIAC

Skin peels
Blood runs
Hearts break
Eyes burn
It hurts most of all
To watch you bleed
After planting
That seed
Of hate
In your soul
It broke me apart
I use to feel whole
The scars the form
Never heal
They just bleed
Never seal
Is it my fault
Could I have prevented
This oncoming destruction
Will things always be wrong
From now on

MOTIVES BEYOND DENIAL

I never knew
This could happen
It pains to see
You fall apart
By yourself
This never should have happened
This never seemed possible
Did I do this to you
Was it something I did
Or just something I didnt
It seemed like it should have taken longer
To fall apart at the seams
Does it tear you up
To know that this could be my fault
Or does it seem like just another emotional breakdown

MOTIVES BEYOND HATE

Fuck this melancholy mood
I grow tired of feeling sorrow
My blood stained hands
Can still feel the pain they caused
I want to forget mistakes I made
Lay to rest
These harsh memories
Of reality
And pain it caused me
Let the words Ive written
Slowly be forgotten
And memories decay
Only what is not wanted
Is what stays
Im slowly killing myself with uncertainty
Is this what Im condemned to
A life of mediocrity

MOTIVES BEYOND REGRET

I write the same words
Over and over again
Same meaning
Different sound
All lead to the same place
Tragedy like this is hollow
The echo kills us
Faster than steel ever could
Though sooner is always better then later
Knowing is the half I won
What I lost was greater
Our past swallowed this whole
Left only pain and sorrow
No tomorrow no regret
Is how the story goes

THAT ONE POEM

Everyone says it will all be fine
Im not sure if I should believe them
I know what I feel
I know what I have inside
Better then I did ever before
I cry myself to sleep every night
Scared of what is inside your head
What you think of me
If Im anything to you at all
I dont want to fall
I dont want to fall
It hurts so bad to be alone
I havent been happy all week
I havent seen you in so long
I wonder where ever you are
If you are thinking of me
Because Im thinking of you
I wonder if you talk about me
Like I wish I could talk about you
Im so scared of what you think of me
Whether its good or bad
I cry every day over you
I dont know why I just do
I wish I could be with you right now
I dont want to fall
I dont want to fall
It seems so hard now to have been what I was
I hide what I feel away from everyone
I wear the thrift store smile I found in a gutter
It looks fine on me
It makes me feel bad about myself
Knowing the mask I wear is not my own
Holding on to your memory
Is all that keeps me going
I always have a picture of you with me
It makes me warm inside
Every moment with you
Is like a lifetime of good thoughts
It makes every moment without you
That much better
I wish I could see you now
Youre beautiful whether you like it or not
Youre smile is the light that I love to see in a dark world
Anything other then you is worth nothing at all
I dont want to fall
I dont want to fall

FLOWERS

Wilted flowers on my dresser
I wish they were roses
I wish they were still alive
I watched them as they died
I don't know why I did
It hurts to know something can just go away
It hurts to know beauty can die too
No one will remember those flowers
Except me
No one will cry for those flowers
Except me
I just got them an hour ago
I always thought it took longer then that
Is death so random
It will come by again
Looking at their wilted corpse
I think awful thoughts
So sure it wouldn't matter
Wonder if it would be like flowers
And not matter
Would anyone remember

FAR SIGHT

Why you always killing me like you do
Your war torn face is harsh on my eyes
The shrapnel you throw
Is what burns the most
You werent always like this
You grew hard
Your hearts turned cold
What could have caused this metamorphosis
What made your soul die
What made able to lie
To the ones you use to trust most
Why are your words sharper then they use to be
The blood you leave is just a trail
From what you use to be
What happened to make your blood run cold
What happened to make you hate me like you do

WHY I HATE SUNDAYS

Another sad song
On the radio
The way it ought to be
Just today it gets to me
It feels like their rubbing in
The fact Im all alone
On a Sunday like today
Days like this
Always bring me down
Makes me want to die
I usually cry
I just cant today
On a Sunday like this
Ive been waiting by the phone
For the call I know will never come
And I dont seem to understand
Why I just dont call them myself
Is it Im scared
Is it I just cant take another let down
Id rather not know then be hurt
That way it can all be nice
In my mind
I never liked Sundays
They always brought me down
On a Sunday like today

KICKING AND SCREAMING

This all goes with what you said
All the lies you told me
In the end
When no means no

Will you still be there
Will tomorrow ever come
Is there another light
At the end of this tunnel
Thoughts of going another day like this
Makes me shudder
With cold blooded fear

Will you ever come back

Suck it down
I hope you suffer here too
Like you left me here to die
All on my own

I hoped everyday
That this was only a dream
That this feeling wasnt real
That you never left
Im sure its all my fault
So I wont blame you

Will you ever come back

Suck it down
I hope you suffer here too
Like you left me here to die
All on my own

Is this what was suppose to happen
Why now
I thought this was good
I thought we could go on forever
Is this the end

I thought we had this all worked out
This was suppose to be happy
I hoped I wouldnt ever feel this way again
I guess I was wrong
I guess we were wrong

Suck it down
I hope you suffer here too
Like you left me here to die
All on my own

FAILURE

Living up to high standards
Adds extra stress
Weighs down what I want to be
I have no way of doing better
Then I know I can
I let myself down this time
Kicking my self
Hurts more then when you do
It doesnt matter what you think of me
And my accomplishments
How I let myself down
Is what makes me sad
Your opinion on this
Is thought through
Turned in side out
And thrown back at me
My opinion is just wrong
Is this what we worked for
You dont know me
I dont trust you
Youre angry of this fact
It burns you up
I can see that
I dont feel what I have to say
To you is worth either of our
Precious time
What I feel never mattered to you before
I use to tell you everything
You never listened
This cut me deep
It hurt to bad to continue
Now you feel hurt
For not knowing what I have to say
This is what you get

WHERE'D THE RADIO GO?

These lingering memories
Freshly made in my mind
This drive home
I hope it never ends
Nothing matters tonight
With the radio gone
Nothing seems to matter
Blaring sounds makes everything better
This is the first time
For the longest I can think
That Ive felt this good
Flashing lights make it all seem better
The humming of the broken speakers
Is relaxing for the first time
Passing cars dont seem real anymore
What Ive experienced doesnt seem real just yet
The dark sky never seemed so wonderful
The stars never seemed so bright
If we ever make it home Ill have to sleep
If I sleep this is all a dream
In this car Im safe
I hope this drive never ends

GROWN APART

When they fight
It still makes me sad
Like when I was five
Why they always so mad
Times change
Feelings stay the same
I always hoped
That they could just not scream
It hurts when they yell
When they fight
Its lonely in my room
Does the screaming make anything better
It hurts so much
When they scream at each other
It hurts my ears
Its still the same fear
From when I was five
Do they care how it makes me feel
Time heals wounds
Why not now
Its hard to tell now
If they still care about anything
Sometimes it seems like
They like fighting
All they think about is them selves
No one else matters to them now
Do they feel anything at all
Why cant it all be better now
Why do they have to leave
Does giving up make it all better

DOWNWARD

Trustworthy as he might be
It doesnt mean a thing
When the falling out comes
It always does when you
Expect the best
Pictures and letters
Hold no meaning
When tainted with harsh words
Memories worth no more
Then the feelings they incite
Nothing ever works out
Like it does on T.V.
Lied to for too long
Dose it really matter
When the last night comes
When the words
You thought mattered
Turn out to be
The ones that ruined everything
Everything you thought
Mattered is gone
Those last days in the light
Will only make things seem better
Then it all falls apart
Everything falls down around you
The pain is never ending
It wont get any better
From here on out

TIMELESSNESS

The stars are out tonight
They shine so bright
The light makes it all okay
Minuets are like hours
Hours like days
Time never was ours
I left the light on
Thought you might see it
And come home
Everyday I wait by the phone
Waiting for that ring
The one that matters

WHY'D I COME BACK?

Im bored
And Ive been listening to the same voices
For the past hour
The TV wont go off
Or I just dont want it too
Last time this happened
I lost my mind
Flashing lights calm
Ambient sounds rattle
Through my head
This house
Sounds like their all dead
Its so dark in here
I wish I hadnt come home
It was so much better out there

EXTENDED FAMILY

And I always know
That youll always say I love you
I know it so
I like to see
You when Im sad
I know you care
You never get mad
With you its easy to share
Youre my best brother
I know you care
More then any other
Its easy to stare
If I could listen to this song forever
It will all seem better
Thinking we are here together
Things get better
Then they ought to be

SNORKLE

Today goes slow
I wish it was still yesterday
Like it was any better then
All day
I dreamt of an overdose
Knowing how
It would make everything gone
No one here to talk to
Nothing feels good anymore
Days like this
Make me wish I was numb
Better yet dead
Everyday worse
Every time it comes back
Its worse than before
Longer than ever

MOTRIN IB

Did you ever want to show them all
What you feel and how you work on the inside
They all doubt your potential
They doubt what you are and feel
Did your life lose meaning before it had any
Did you ever cry for the sake of feeling bad
They all treated you like you had nothing
When youre stronger youll show them
Did they ever tell you that they cared
The lights are down
They wont know if you dont tell
It will all be better afterwards
Did you ever try to die by taking to many pills
It all makes it better at the end
The pain subsides for guilt
This wont resolve without the proper reason
Did the pain ever tear you down inside
Did this all happen before
Everything you feel
You felt it before
The TV. Is all you have nowadays
It tells you its all okay
The things youve seen have happened before
You never saw this coming
The lights are down
They wont know
If you dont tell
Youll feel better if you do
If anything can
The same song on the radio
Its been playing over and over
In your head for forever now
The sad songs made you happy
Knowing that you arent the only one
Who felt like dying
After the pain sets in
It doesnt matter like it did
Dusting off the old letters that made it better before
Jaded and covered in webs
They dont have the same effect now
Pictures and postcards from everyone you though mattered
Its better off ending soon enough for the light to die again
Like the darkness did before
Its just too long to wait forever
Ever is to long

MORALS

Moral as it goes
As the pain grows
In red on black
It all comes back
The only thing worse then death
Is living to see another day
When consumed with pain and sorrow

BROKEN SOUND

your radio never works anymore
the silence without it is deafening
we leave room for words
words never come
its cold in your house
better then mine
where its always warm
your eyes drift about the ceiling
mine along the floor
waiting for them to meet
it always happens like this

THE STREET LIGHTS ALWAYS GO OUT WHEN I WALK BY

tommorows another day
thats come and gone
when it stays
it always stays too long
another word
another reason why
its just to long to go
its not what i see in your eyes
id never hide from this
theres no reason to
you came with the night
as it leaves so do you
when i needed you most
you went away
when your hear im lost
when you go i know what to say
street lights light the way
in the street wandering home
along the way i find my way
its all too real to be alone
hideing in trees so no one sees me
just staring at my house
if i go in now ill have sleep
where i dont want to be now
i dont care anymore
its all to real to be here
its so far away from here
its all i want to hear
theres to much here
to be real

WHAT COMES AFTER ACCEPTINCE?

iv been beaten and bruised
turned down at every chance
iv felt this before
its burned my insides
its boiled and churned
in side me
i never acted
only buried
iv felt pain
it tears and pulls
on every fiber of my being
it takes so much
gives nothing
hope keeps me here
maybe ill grow
maybe ill become better
maybe i wont hurt
maybe ill change
swinging on this guilt
it tears i feel free
cleanse me entirly
i feel new in this repetition
layer upon layer
it builds upon what i always knew
it carrys and carrys on forever now
etrnity is short
if you never know now
i burn in this pain
holds me down
frees me nailed down no choices left
lost and alone

CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE GONE

once again i fall down
you never noticed
you dont care
my words are small
they mean nothing to you
if you never saw me again
would you ever notice
iv tripped over my own feet
to gain your attetion
you never turned your head away
from your little world
shows what i know
lost words and faded photographs
hang on my wall
remind me of a time when i mattered
when you still cared
when i still mattered to you
your face still makes me smile
though i never see it anymore
your long gone
you left me here
alone to die
you wouldnt notice anyways
your far to gone to notice
im far to gone for you to care
youve turned away
i wait for the day you care again
even if it never comes

TWO

remeber the nights we would lay alnight
we wouldnt say a word wasnt worth our breath
we already knew what we were going to say
we would always play our favorite songs to death
i would just listen to you breath
watch you as you sleep
id wait all night just to watch the sun
light your face as you sleep
i would wait all night just to see you when you wake
just to be able to see your eyes open
i gave you my heart cuz i dont own anything
this night is just another minute with you iv stolen
we would stay up all night
we would just look at each other and smile
and reassure eachother we would always be there when we woke

MY LONG DISTANCE BILL

i wear my heart on my shirt
broken and bruised
from all the beatings its taken
its been so long since i felt whole
this shirt i wear was yours once
you probly dont remember then
i remember it like yesterday
i remember stupid things like that
those times long ago you use to call my name
and use my phone it still smells like you
those times we spent together
i would never forget if i had a chance
you never say good bye anymore
i guess you forgot i was there
i dont see you as often as id like
its been three days or so
i dont know if i can wait another
you never smile at me anymore
not sure what this means
but it hurts none the less
nothing feels good anymore
like you do when your here
remember that day you were lying on my bed
ill never forget how great that day was
you dont ever say goodbye anymore
i guess you just frogot i was there
id never forget you
you mean to much to me
even if im nothing to you
remembering times where i was with you
they were the happist iv ever been
even if you never looked at me
if you ever did i wouldnt know what to do
you never say goodbye anymore
i guess you forgot i was there

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER SAD SONG ABOUT YOUR EYES

i have another message for you
if you hear it now or later
still just as hard as ever
im not sure of what to say or do
or wether or not it matters to you
im not sure of what you say or think of me
or wether or not you ever want to see me
i cry all night thinking of you
the longer it goes on
the harder it is to let go of
everynight i think of you
wondering if you are thinking of me
i find myself wandering around town
hoping ill see you soon
maybe its all just me
buts its all i feel anymore
these sounds always sooth my pain
they scream out what i feel everyday
maybe they understand
maybe they care
more then you
your smile kills me
how could i ever live without you
how could i go a day without you
id die alone everynight
you dont know you dont know
another day another sad song about your eyes
id die to hold your hand
how this all tears me up inside
youll never know
maybe ill understand myself someday
maybe someday youll care
you will know how i feel
and feel the same
everyday i say this over and over in my head
rehearse this every sleepless night
maybe someday ill say it to you
maybe someday ill be the one
you run to
the one who you tell all your secrets to
maybe someday ill see you again
someday ill be with you
rather then without
another day another sad song about your eyes